marriage – The Tao of Holy Orthodoxy

God created men and women equal in their humanness. He also designed them different from each other and complementary to each other. Notice that maleness and femaleness is not the same. Instead, the difference between male and female allows them to complete each other.

Through the Mystery of Holy Marriage, also known as Holy Matrimony, God joins together a man and a woman in the bond of Love as exclusive lifelong companions. This great Mystery can only be accomplished by the work of the Uncreated Energy (that is, the Divine Grace). The Presence of God unites the man and woman into one. The depth of this unity of husband and wife lies beyond rational comprehension. An Orthodox marriage, then, is far more than two people making a legal contract, declaring positive intentions, or exchanging promises. Rather, in the Mystery of Marriage, the Creator God makes something new by His Power, a sacred Christ-centered marriage, for the benefit of His creatures.

Standing together before God, the man and the woman are crowned as husband and wife. The crowns placed on their heads symbolize the crowns of martyrdom. God bestows the martyric crowns to the faithful who selflessly demonstrate their loyalty and devotion to Him even to death. The married couple is called to maintain such faithfulness to God and also to each other. The married life involves each dying to personal self-love, self-will, and self-interest for the good of the beloved.

God created and blessed marriage as a path of salvation. Do not be surprised when you encounter difficulty. Marriage requires mutual asceticism. Monastics struggle apart from others in isolation or with fellow monastics in communal monasteries. A married couple enters into spiritual struggle together as a team. The Way of the Cross is the path of self-denial and self-sacrifice. Marriage is the training ground where, through their mutual practice of the art of love, the husband and wife learn to become better disciples of Jesus Christ.

Pray for your spouse. Be your beloved’s steady support, empathetic listener, comforter when wounded, wise counselor before decisions, encourager in the struggle, advocate to God, and defender against spiritual attack. Remember that the two of you share everything. Carry each other’s concerns, difficulties, and sorrows as well as each other’s joys, blessings, and successes. In marriage, no problem is an individual problem. Reinforce each other. When one is weak, let the other offer strength.

Never turn your heart against your spouse. This will create disharmony and chaos in the relationship and within your own soul. Do not fall into the deception that your spouse is a problem. If a problem arises, keep in mind that your spouse is not the problem. The problem is the problem. Your greatest problem is within your own soul – your pride, your thoughts, your emotions, your assumptions, your expectations, your attitudes, your opinions, your passions, your distractions, your failures, and all of your sins. Seek to improve your marriage and progress on the Way by changing yourself. Become a more perfect partner in marriage. Repent of your sins and let your spouse be concerned with repenting from his or her own. Contribute to the solution, not the problem, by fulfilling your own duty to love.

Here is a secret to a joyful marriage: Do not judge your spouse. As a husband and wife you are co-disciples of Jesus Christ, complementary helpers to each other, and the most intimate confidants. If you judge your spouse, you create imbalance by assuming a self-righteous position of authority as a judge, an accuser, and a prosecutor. This fosters disharmony and imbalance in the soul and in the relationship. When you set yourself up as judge, you will likely self-justify your own sins and be distracted from your own work of repentance. Love your spouse. Forgive your spouse. Show empathy, understanding, and tender compassion.

Marriage is the only sacred temple, constructed by God from a man and woman, within which the most intimate physical union of a man and woman is permissible and blessed. The physical marital union, an outward expression of inner union and intimacy, serves to build a strong, shared bond between husband and wife. Through this union, the husband and wife bring forth children, physical symbols of the Mystery of Marriage through which two become one.

Always remain faithful to each other in your thoughts, words, and deeds. Guard your marriage as the most precious treasure and fountain of Grace. Do not let even the hint of temptation toward adultery enter your mind. When encountering even the most subtle suggestion of sin, stubbornly reject the idea as a deceptive scam, a deadly trap, an insult to your own spouse (who is part of you), and a threat of violence against your family. Keep your hearts close together and united as one in your pursuit of salvation on the Way. Secure your marriage as an impregnable fortress around your shared sacred private garden.

The crowns of the marriage service also represent the husband and wife as rulers of their own home. As models of Christian virtue, they preside together over their family. Make your home a domestic church where God is worshipped with thanksgiving and the Way of Christ is expressed daily. This is the training academy where children primarily learn how to live the Way from the words and example of their parents. When you are a parent, you are responsible for passing the precious treasure of the Apostolic Way on to your children whole and undefiled.

If you are not yet married, but desire to be, prepare yourself to be the best spouse possible. Keep your body and soul pure. Continually repent. Acquire maturity by living the Way of Christ fully. Pray for God to make you worthy of marriage. Also, pray that He will bring a faithful Orthodox believer into your life to be your suitable complement, one who will walk beside you, hand in hand, on the Way of salvation.

Read: Genesis 1.27-28; Genesis 2; Song of Songs 1-8; John 2.1-12; Matthew 19.1-15; Ephesians 5; 1 Corinthians 7; Hebrews 13.4-7

Saint_Anastasia Public Domain

As you are received into the Holy Orthodox Church, you will be given a new name. You will bear the name of your new Patron Saint, who will be assigned to pray for you as your guardian and protector. If the Apostle John became your Patron Saint, for example, you would receive the name John as your new Christian name. Likewise, if the Great Martyr Anastasia became your Patron, you would receive the name, Anastasia. The Priest may give you a new name and assign a Patron Saint without consulting with you, but he will likely involve you in the process of making the decision.

If your birth name is already the name of a Saint, like Luke or Catherine, your birth name may be kept as your Christian name as well. You are not expected to use this new name daily as though it were a legal name change. Rather, you will be called by your Christian name when the Church prays for you and during other specific occasions.

Your Priest will also speak with you concerning a Sponsor, that is, an adult Godparent who will stand beside you as you are received into the Church. After you are received, your Sponsor may serve as an important resource for answering basic questions and as a model for how to live an active Orthodox Christian life. If the Priest allows you to choose your Sponsor, choose wisely and, of course, receive the blessing of the Priest regarding your choice. If you are male, your Sponsor must be male. If you are female, your Sponsor must be female. Through the Mystery that unites you to the Church, a new spiritual relationship will be created between you and your Sponsor.

(Keep in mind that as marriages are forbidden between people having certain blood relationships, marriages are also forbidden between two people who are spiritually related. Your relationship as a spiritual son or daughter of your Godparent/Sponsor may also create new spiritual brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, nieces, and nephews. For purposes of marriage, the Church treats these spiritual relationships very much like biological kinship.)

By your entrance into the Holy Orthodox Church, you will not only gain a new name and a Patron Saint, but also new family members.

Read: Genesis 17.1-5; 15-16; 32.28, John 1.40-42

Tag: marriage

60. The Mystery of Holy Marriage